Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn-flakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Three more helpful retirement jokes

• The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. George Foreman
• There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker
• I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player

The Promise

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

Her friend asked, "You mean to tell me you actually put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.  Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.

Paula is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket! She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
'What are you doing dear?'
'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?'
'Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone'

An elderly couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, says what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'
Oh I do apologize, this is my fault' says the waiter.....


'I've brought you the Peking duck'

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

Old Age Memory

A husband and wife, both in their 80's, visit their doctor and complain of short-term memory loss. After listening, the doctor suggests that they may want to write down the things they would like to remember. The couple agree that this would be a good idea.

A few days go by and the husband and wife are in bed late one evening when the wife says she could go for a bowl of ice cream. The husband volunteers to go down to the kitchen and dish it up.

"Do you think you should write it down like the doctor said?" the wife asks.

"No, I think I can remember a bowl of ice cream," replies the husband, as he heads downstairs.

After a few minutes the husband comes through the door and presents his wife with a platter of bacon and eggs.

"I knew this would happen!" she exclaimed. "You forgot my toast!"

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home
and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should
have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for
disability, too."

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

A mother decided one Christmas that she wasn't going to remind her kids any longer of their need to write thank-you notes.

The result of this was that their Grandad never received any thank-yous for the very generous cheques he'd written to the kids. However, the following year, things were different.

"All the Kids came over personally to thank me" said the Grandad in a triumphant manner...

"That's great," said his friend, "why do you think they decided to change their behaviour?"

"Well, that's easy," declared Grandad, "this year I didn't sign the cheques..."

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, an 8 year old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says, 'Sir if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.'

The old man Snaps back, 'Well, Sonny, if your Daddy did the same thing eight years ago, I'd have a bloody seat today!!!'

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices an old drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr.
Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground.
Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...
"But where's his wheelchair?"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

Percy , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Percy and said, ' You're
really doing great, aren't you? '

Percy replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doctor: Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, You got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a shop and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the shop assistant , "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

Why I fired my Secretary on my retirement

Last week was my retirement
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy retirement!"
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy retirement."

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy retirement!"
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your retirement,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge retirement cake…
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all shouting " Happy retirement!"

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

Maths...

My dearest wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your
54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
be spending the evening with my 18-year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel.
Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.

When the husband came home, he found a letter on the dining Room table:

My dearest husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading
this, I will be at the Ritz Carleton with Michael, my tennis coach, who,
like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in
the same
situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot
more times than
54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow !

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great
physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She
paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice
cream van hadn't come along."

An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Life Is Soooooo Boring

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"

Keep 'Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.
The lady asked, "What's that for?" He replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The lady said, "That's a pretty nifty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms.
She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied,
"I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast.
"Later that night........
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live."