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Retirement Jokes

Click here to find Sample Retirement Speeches
Click here to find Sample Retirement Letters
Click here to find Retirement Quotes

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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn-flakes every morning.

The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Three more helpful retirement jokes

  • The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income. George Foreman
  • There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker
  • I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player

The Promise

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

Her friend asked, "You mean to tell me you actually put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

A biker in his late 50's is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.

He's on his new R1 and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......
120, 130, 140, 150 flash across the clock.

"This is brilliant", he thinks to himself and clicks up into top and opens it wide...160, 170, then he starts to think maybe this isn't too clever and

starts to slow down.

When he hits 90, he looks in his mirrors he sees a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!"
and flies back up to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thinks, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulls over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the bike, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir,"

Old Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating"
explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Kenny "Well just relax and let it happen" And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...
ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken git, you're s****ing the bed!

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.  Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused .... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed.

Paula is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
"You know, Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket! She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."



If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
'What are you doing dear?'
'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?'
'Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone'

An elderly couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, says what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
We both chose the same', he replies, 'the chicken surprise'
Oh I do apologize, this is my fault' says the waiter.....

'I've brought you the Peking duck'

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

Old Age Memory

A husband and wife, both in their 80's, visit their doctor and complain of short-term memory loss. After listening, the doctor suggests that they may want to write down the things they would like to remember. The couple agree that this would be a good idea.

A few days go by and the husband and wife are in bed late one evening when the wife says she could go for a bowl of ice cream. The husband volunteers to go down to the kitchen and dish it up.

"Do you think you should write it down like the doctor said?" the wife asks.

"No, I think I can remember a bowl of ice cream," replies the husband, as he heads downstairs.

After a few minutes the husband comes through the door and presents his wife with a platter of bacon and eggs.

"I knew this would happen!" she exclaimed. "You forgot my toast!"

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the
counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he
seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home
and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should
have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for
disability, too."

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"

A mother decided one Christmas that she wasn't going to remind her kids any longer of their need to write thank-you notes.

The result of this was that their Grandad never received any thank-yous for the very generous cheques he'd written to the kids. However, the following year, things were different.

"All the Kids came over personally to thank me" said the Grandad in a triumphant manner...

"That's great," said his friend, "why do you think they decided to change their behaviour?"

"Well, that's easy," declared Grandad, "this year I didn't sign the cheques..."

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man cane slips on the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, an 8 year old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says, 'Sir if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.'

The old man Snaps back, 'Well, Sonny, if your Daddy did the same thing eight years ago, I'd have a bloody seat today!!!'


With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices an old drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr.
Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground.
Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around...
"But where's his wheelchair?"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

Percy , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Percy walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Percy and said, ' You're
really doing great, aren't you? '

Percy replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doctor: Get a hot mamma and
be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, You got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'


A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a shop and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the shop assistant , "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

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Why I fired my Secretary on my retirement

Last week was my retirement
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy retirement!"
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy retirement."

I thought...
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy retirement!"
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your retirement,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge retirement cake…
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all shouting " Happy retirement!"

And I just sat there...

On the couch...



Claude and Maude...

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they Enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "


My dearest wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your
54-year-old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with
you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will
be spending the evening with my 18-year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.

When the husband came home, he found a letter on the dining Room table:

My dearest husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading
this, I will be at the Ritz Carleton with Michael, my tennis coach, who,
like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman and with
your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in
the same
situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot
more times than
54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow !

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great
physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She
paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice
cream van hadn't come along."

An elderly couple was attending a church service, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Life Is Soooooo Boring

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"

Keep 'Em Dry

One day a man and woman were standing outside the nursing home casually having a drink and a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, the man took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over his cigarette.
The lady asked, "What's that for?" He replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The lady said, "That's a pretty nifty idea."
The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms.
She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"
The old lady smiled and replied,
"I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

A driver meets Pope Benedict XVI at the airport.
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And supposing something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing that he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the bl**dy Pope as a chauffeur!!"

Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast.
"Later that night........
Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live."

  • An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

  • Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

  • Three old ladies were discussing the trials and tribulations of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

  • Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my, am I driving?"

  • An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

  • You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.

  • Reporter: "So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?" Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted most by 79 years of fresh air."

  • Re-released hits for baby boomers:
    • “You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
    • “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees
    • “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face” by Roberta Flack
    • “I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash
    • “Papa Got A Kidney Stone” by the Temptations
    • “These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
    • “You Make Me Feel Like Napping” by Leo Sayer
    • “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
    • “A Whiter Shade of Hair” by Procol Harum
    • “I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
    • “Rikki, Don’t Lose Your Car Keys” by Steely Dan
    • “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker” by Herman's Hermits
    • “Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication” by the Who
    • “Bald Thing” by the Troggs
    • “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones
    • “I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye
    • And last, but definitely not least, “Bad Prune Rising” by Credence Clearwater Revivial (our personal favorite)

  • "Now, Ms. Lyons," said the doctor, "you say you have shooting pains in your neck, dizziness, and constant nausea. Just for the record, how old are you?" "Why, I'm going to be 39 on my next birthday," the woman replied indignantly. "Hmmm," muttered the doctor, "Got a slight loss of memory, too."

  • Growing older is merely a matter of feeling your corns rather than feeling your oats.

  • As the waitress served the elderly couple, she noticed something very unusual. The man began to eat his meal while his wife stared patiently out the window. "Is there something wrong with your food?" the waitress asked the lady. "No, the food looks great," she replied. "Aren't you afraid your food will get cold if you wait much longer to eat?" the waitress queried further. "Oh," the lady replied, "that's all right." "Well aren't you hungry?" the waitress finally asked. "I sure am," the lady replied. "I'm just waiting until my husband gets through with the teeth."

  • Little boy: "Did you hear about the 88-year-old man and the 79-year-old lady that got married last week?" Little girl: "Did they throw rice at them?" Little boy: "No, they threw vitamins!"

  • The older a man gets, the more ways he learns to part his hair. Some men pull what little bit of hair they have around on their head to cover their baldness. However, as a man gets even older, he realizes there are basically only three ways to wear his hair--parted, unparted, and departed.

  • You're getting old when there's no question in your mind that there's no question in your mind.

  • An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man. "Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!" said the woman. "Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?" the daughter asked in disgust. "Oh, no!" her mother explained, "I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!"

  • A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

    'What are you doing dear?' Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females 'How do you know what sex they were?'

    'Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone'

    Classic Retirement Jokes

    'The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.' Anonymous

    'I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.' Charles Lamb. 

    'When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.' R C Sherriff.

    'Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.' Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949.

    'It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.' Scott Elledge.

    'When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.' Alexander Graham Bell.

    'Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.' William Shakespeare.

    'Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.' - Malcolm Muggeridge

    'A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.' - Anon

    'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!' — Groucho Marx

    'I've lit the blue touch paper and found there's nowhere to retire to.' - Doctor Who  

    Seven Retirement one-liners to work into your leaving speech

    1. Active socially: Drinks heavily.
    2. Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
    3. Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
    4. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
    5. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
    6. Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
    7. Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

    Albert's Leaving Presentation

    Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

    A. A. A. D. D. - Classic Retirement Syndrome

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests itself:

    I decide to water my garden.

    As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my chequebook off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.

    I place the coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.

    I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day:

    • The car isn't washed
    • The bills aren't paid
    • There is a warm can of coke sitting on the work surface
    • The flowers don't have enough water
    • There is still only one cheque in my chequebook
    • I can't find the remote
    • I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    PS. I just remembered, I left the water running………………………………..

    Retirement Jokes, Also suitable for appraisals

    1. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
    2. She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
    3. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
    4. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
    5. This man has delusions of adequacy.
    6. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; buy she only gargles.
    7. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

    A Confession

    A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

    'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'

    Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.

    'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.'

    Lost in his own back yard?

    One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny's home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the Victoria park.

    'Why, Ivor, 'said Granny, 'You've been going there for over 30 years! How on earth could you say you had got lost?'

    Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, 'Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.'  

    Retired Husband at Tesco

    Dear Mrs. Marsh,

    Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.

    We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:

    Memo: re – Mr Joseph Marsh

    Complaints - Things Mr Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:

    1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.

    2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.

    3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.

    4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.

    5. September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.

    7. September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.

    9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.

    10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'

    11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'

    And; last, but not least!

    12. December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'

    Do you think that Mr Marsh's retirement story is a true story, or a hoax?  Will and Guy are not sure.

    Bob's Retirement

    Dear Friends

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

    When I got laid off from my consulting job and took ' early retirement' in March, it became necessary for Nadine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

    I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell; instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it.

    Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

    Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

    Nadine is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nadine on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

    Signed Bob.

    Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 25th

    Nadine was acquitted Monday, April 27th.

    Retire from Golf?

    'How was your game, dear?' Jacqui asked her husband, Tony, after he had returned from playing golf.
    'Well, I was hitting the ball pretty well, but my eyesight's got so bad I couldn't see where it went,' Tony answered.

    'That's not surprising,' Jacqui replied. 'After all, you are 76 years old, Tony. Why don't you take my brother Stewart along?'
    'Because he's 87 and doesn't play golf anymore,' Tony commented dryly.
    'I know, but he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch the ball for you.' Jacqui added.

    The next day Tony teed off with Stewart looking on. Tony swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

    'Can you see it?' demanded Tony. 
    'Yeah,' Stewart said smiling.

    'Well, where is it?' Tony asked, peering off into the distance in search of the ball that was now out of his eyesight range. 
    'I forget.' mumbled Stewart. 

    Three Old Men

    Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

    'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business' , declared the first man.

    'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .

    Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'

    'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'

    Retirement sing along to the tune of 'My Favourite Things'

    You remember: the tune from 'The Sound of Music'

    Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,

    Zimmers and handrails and new dental fittings,

    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

    These are a few of my favourite things.

    Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,

    Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,

    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

    These are a few of my favourite things.

    When the pipes leak,

    When the bones creak,

    I simply remember my favourite things,

    And then I don't feel so bad.

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